Eat, drink and be merry. For tomorrow, ye diet.

Okay.

So this is me - in all my glory....

This, my friends, is what 115kgs looks like. I'm ashamed to admit that. This is the heaviest I have ever been. I really hate full-body shots of myself - I just can't stand to look at it....at myself. But now I have to. I have to face my fears and put it all out there for everyone to see. Everyone already sees my fat - it's hard to miss. But now it's time for me to shake it all out and expose myself to the world - my inner self.

So that is what this blog is going to be all about. This is going to be hard. This is going to be tough. This is going to be me - warts and all. On here I will share my thoughts, my feelings, my journey. I endeavour to lose my weight and find myself in the process. With the support of my husband and my family, I can do this. I will do this..... for me.

I will check my fears, and my fat ass, at the door.

If you can believe it, I actually joined the gym about 5 weeks ago. I told the instructor that I wanted to go 5 - 6 times a week. I think the best I've done is 3 days. My average is 2. And that's not too bad considering I barely moved before. But I haven't changed my eating habits. Sure I think more about what I put in my mouth, but I don't put down the fork if it is something that I really want. Or just think I really want. But really don't. And then feel horrible about myself after eating it. Why do I do that?

I have done a lot of research on nutrition and have found a number of websites that promote healthy delicious recipes. I have sat down and created meal plans after meal plans. I have even cooked food in advance to stop myself reaching for the junk. It hasn't worked. The food I create is usually eaten within the first two days and the meal plans go out the door by day 3 when I couldn't be bothered and claim to be too tired to cook. Just lame, pathetic excuses.

I need to haul my ass off the couch, switch off the TV and find some motivation. I need to cook healthy delicious meals for myself and for my family - what goes into my mouth, usually goes into theirs too, and that just can't be good. I need to get my ass out that door and down to the gym. Once I'm in the gym, I usually do a very good workout - they say the hardest part is putting on your shoes everyday and getting out the door. The hardest part for me is not just putting on the shoes and getting out the door - it's driving past McDonald's, finding a car spot at the gym, finding the will to get out of my car, and then finding the courage to walk into the gym past that long row of skinny girls on the treadmills to find my place next to them. I know, I know - the reason they are skinny is because they go to the gym and not sit at home in their tracky dacks with a fist full of chips in their gob watching others sweat it out on The Biggest Loser. I get that. I just want so bad to be where they are. I know I will and that it's just going to take some time. So.... I've just got to do it. One step at a time.

This is the first step - put it out there and admit to all and sundry that yes I do really weigh that much. But I'm also going to lose it. It may take me all year, but that's what I'm going to do. Slowly but surely. And this time it is going to stay off.

I have a few things to keep me motivated. My family and friends of course, but also, I've committed to participating in an adventure race with my husband in November. I am shitting myself! Sorry, but I am. To complete this race, you have to be of reasonable fitness. It comprises of 3 - 5km of kayaking, 12 - 18km of mountain bike racing, and 7 - 10km of running. Oh and did I mention it's a 6 HOUR RACE! O.M.G. I'm scared. But, in order to compete in the race, I need to train. I mean I REALLY need to train...and train hard! So that is my main motivation at the moment and my main goal. I just want to be fit enough to cross that finish line - and not on a stretcher! I have other goals in mind, but this is my first major goal.

I am pledging to myself to lose 25kg before the race. That's around 1kg a week. That will be my mini goal - maintain an average of 1kg a week weightloss and hit the gym 4-5 days a week, and I'm going to document the entire journey here.

Today is Day 1 and I am motivated......... I'll let you know how I go tomorrow :)